Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Loss of Words

I am at a complete loss of words. What else is there to say about cancer except for four letter words and tears? I am half way around the world but the impact of losing my friend is felt just as powerfully.

My friend Todd did not deserve to have cancer- he is the kind of guy the world needs more of- funny, caring, talented, and sweet. His spirit never gave in to the crushing fact that his cancer was spreading. He always felt hope that he would beat it. Above all, he was the kind of guy who still managed to have two chicks at once while receiving cancer treatment! Ha ha! I have to hand it to him that he never let things get dull and his wicked funny sense of humor always made my day.

I knew that day I saw him this summer would be the last. I knew that hug I gave him was it. I knew that very day that he would probably not be waiting for me when I came back from Korea in a years time. The cancer was in his brain and lungs at that point and he had scars all over the place where he had cancer removed. His face looked soo thin but I reassured him with tears in my eyes that everything was going to be alright and that he would make it through. I told him about a friend I know who made it through brain cancer. Hell, anything is possible. He thanked me for that encouragement. We hugged again and I found it very hard to walk away that day.

When the severity of situation comes to light as it did that day, you can not let it go any longer. It wakes you from your sleep and scares you for weeks. It gives you panic attacks over your own aches and pains and leads you to realize your own existence will someday cease to be. In these moments, you feel so alone with your mortality.

Todd was such a brave guy to keep fighting as he did. I think he definitely touched alot of people and will not be easily forgotten. All I can remember of him is good things and lots of laughs. I am still in disbelief that he is actually gone. Oh Todd, I wish you were still somewhere on this planet!

You will be dearly missed!